Dom's mixing a drink while Ted paces nervously. TED Oh God, I'm fucking nervous. I don't know if I'm ready for this, man. DOM Just relax. Have you hit the cash machine? TED (pats his back pocket) Got cash. DOM Car clean? Plenty of gas? TED Check. DOM Mints? TED Copped a tin of Altoids at the car wash. Dom nods, satisfied. DOM Okay, sounds like you're all set. Just clean the pipes and it's a go. TED Hm? DOM You know, clean the pipes. TED Pipes? What are you talking about? DOM You jerk off before all big dates, right? Tell me you jerk off before your big dates. Ted just stares at him. DOM (cont'd) (incredulous) You don't jerk off before--?! Are you crazy?! That's like going out there with a loaded gun. No wonder you're nervous! Ted considers this. DOM (cont'd) Think about it: After you've had sex with a girl and the two of you are laying in bed, are you nervous? TED No. Dom shrugs...Duh. DOM Why's that? TED I'm usually too tired to be. Dom makes a game-show BUZZER sound. DOM Wrong. It's because you ain't got the baby batter in your brain any more. That'll fuck with your head, that stuff will. TED (starting to believe) Huh. DOM The most honest moment in a man's life is the five minutes after he's blown a load. That's a medical fact. And it's because you're no longer trying to get laid. You're actually thinking like a girl. They love that. TED Jesus Christ you're right. DOM You bet your ass I'm right. You don't go out with a loaded gun, you empty the barrels! TED (shakes his head) Holy shit, I've been going out with a loaded gun! DOM People get hurt that way.
i want to live like a sim
- spin around and i’m dressed
- spin around and jump in bed and i’m not only dressed for bed but asleep immediately
- read the paper and get a job
- read some books and get promoted a lot
- give people compliments and make friends instead of getting restraining orders